so this kid he used to bully me in middle school before i got tough, well this is kind of a funny story. so i sugar from time to time but my latest
sugar mommys house is so extra and i didnt bring my glasses but im going through the house because she told me to make myself at home and i see a family photo and im just like he looks really familiar but i cant make out shit. and so she and i start talking and shes like yeah i have a son your age actually and im just like wait… and she was like you’ll meet him later when we go to the car show, and im just like fuckin wait.. and we get to the car show and its me and her we’re holding hands being friendly and shes like and heres my son. and i shit u not this is the same dude who used to fucking bully me in middle school and he starts fucking crying because he didnt know his mom was lesbian and i was just like hey its been a while, but im getting fucked by your mom.
I know someone on Tumblr has already posted about the S’mores Indoors Pizza, but it’s one of the funniest things on earth to me. I have been unable to breathe laughing for minutes at a time because of this absolute abortion of a pizza. The thought of people going to the store, deciding to buy this innocuous dessert pizza, and then having their dinner/evening pretty much ruined is hilarious to me. The fact that it melts through the oven racks when it explicitly tells you to place the pizza directly on the rack. Imagine someone taking four of these travesties to a church dinner, making a marshmallowy mess of the oven, trying to cut the pizza and half the shit comes off, and then it’s unbelievably spicy. The spiciness is the funniest part though. Peoples’ “mouths and throats” burning from this Guy Fieri S’mores pizza, like it’s not just a tad too much cinnamon, it fucking burns you. Like an entire family eagerly taking first bites of their pizza and then they all burst into coughing fits like they’ve been poisoned. It’s just so damn funny like…how did he make it that spicy?? How could he have possibly fucked up that bad? What terrible planning/execution led to this abomination? Did he not try his own pizza first? More importantly, did Guy Fieri try his spicy shitty pizza and say ‘Mmm fuck yea that’s perfect’ ? It’s just so catastrophic, I really wonder if a chaos entity or immortal prankster quietly placed several rows of S’mores Pizza in Sam’s Clubs across the country and sat back to see the results.
Ok so I have a story. I worked Fantasyland (Dumbo) at Magic Kingdom. We had a girl transfer from Pirates of the Caribbean. And she told me the most amazing story.
So Pirates is down (shocking) And this particular boat is stopped at the first big scene, Where Barbosa is on the ship yelling for Jack Sparrow.
Anyway the boat has been stopped for about 15 minutes at this point, and there’s a couple sitting alone in the back. So the guy decides that nothing gets him in a better mood than the smell of water that hasn’t been changed in roughly 50 years, and convinces his girlfriend to blow him.
Now this girl is in the booth, along with the coordinator, watching this go down. Literally. There’s not much they can do to stop it at this point, other than notify security. Then another problem arises. The guy finishes, and the girl makes the motion to spit.
In. The. Fucking. Water.
Now if that load is released into the water, thats an automatic biohazard, and the ride is shut down for weeks. The water is removed, the ride path is scrubbed, along with the ride vehicles, and then new water is brought in. Costing the company thousands of dollara and pissed off tourists. The worst combination on this earth.
Panicking at this predicament, the coordinator grabs the mic in the control booth and says:
“Spitting is for quitters.”
This echoes over the bitching of guests and 50 year old audio of pirates commiting various crimes.
The look on this woman’s face was priceless. She gazes up, as if Walt himself commanded her from the grave, and swallows.
I’m told the ride started 5 minutes later and the couple ran out from the exit queue as fast as they could.
And this is why you dont fuck at Disney. Because cast members will call you out and it will be the highlight of our day.
Molly's Monsters 