…hey Harry Potter fans, we’re all in agreement that Dumbledore brought the Philosopher’s Stone to Hogwarts in Harry’s first year as a test to see whether Voldemort was paying attention and what sort of state he was in, now that Dumbledore’s chosen champion was old enough to hold a wand, right?
Like, Harry learns what magic is and it’s time to start moving towards the full and final destruction of Tom Riddle Junior, so Dumbledore has a chat with his long-time alchemy friend who’s been keeping this thing safe for literally six centuries straight, and ‘borrows’ the easiest source of immortality he can find as bait for a trap to lure Voldemort out into the open so Dumbledore can get the lay of the land to prep for the next seven years. This is canon, right?
Yes, this is canon. In none of the other books is the climactic array of trials set up as a video-game dungeon perfectly tailored to the skillsets of three specific children. Hermione and Ron are drafted into this war quickly.
The Philosopher’s Stone was probably never in Gringott’s to start with (I wonder how many “safely hidden” fakes the Flamels have?). Nicholas & Perenelle spend the rest of the series happily blowing things up in a new lab under fake names.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how Snape is basically Walter White in reverse. He’s a horrible criminal who turns to the side of good and in order to save other people’s lives becomes a horrible chemistry teacher who hates his job.
i can see why people think harry was dumb for only ever using expelliarmus but… he’s so good. the boy is good, he has such a good heart.. of course he only ever tried to disarm someone
it is a harry potter fanfic from like 2009, 160k words, 50 chapters
basically, adult Harry accidentally goes back in time and wakes up on his 11th birthday again, but with all his memories of the future intact
(the way he travels back makes no sense whatsoever but it doesn’t really matter)
harry decides upon 3 goals:
fuck up as much shit as possible
make a shitload of money
save some lives or whatever
it is
H I L A R I O U S
his go-to explanation for how he knows what’s going to happen?
he has a psychic scar
(hermione is SO PISSED about this)
(neville’s like “either he’s psychic, or he’s the greatest conman alive”)
everyone just sort of assumes harry’s insane and he doesn’t do much to dispute this
harry also decides to make it his mission in life to LOSE the house cup every year
“snape is my sole ally”
he also goes out of his way to befriend neville, ginny, and luna earlier this time, so they’re part of the gang throughout and it’s great
even draco is a friend!
(kind of)
(when harry’s not spreading a rumor that draco’s the lovechild of narcissa and snape, anyway)
harry’s motivation for everything he does in this story is basically, “oh, this will be hilarious”
either that or, “it’s probably a tax deductible”
because the way lockhart is written in this story is also amazing and harry ends up teaming up with him to merchandise The Boy Who Lived so he can have cash to burn
(so he gets a LOT of shit done via bribes)
it gets to the point where harry is able to convince everyone that he’s not the heir of slytherin…. because if he was, he’d have found a way to make money off of it
and everyone’s like “yeah ok that checks out”
in this timeline, neville’s boggart isn’t snape…. it’s harry as the minister of magic
harry also decides to make sure cedric lives by quizzing him constantly on what to do if he ends up in a graveyard
harry: by the way, that reminds me – cedric. graveyard.
cedric, not even really listening: run like hell.
the sheer magnitude to which harry does not give a fuck in this timeline is truly awe-inspiring
he mouths off to everyone, and i mean everyone. lockhart, snape, the dursleys, malfoy, friggin’ voldemort
everyone is like “what… what the fuck, harry”
(though by the end of first year it’s more like “… *deep sigh* … fine.
snape is so angry
it’s fucking hysterical and just about everyone ends up better off
Molly's Monsters 