mcgonagollygee:

caleb: in terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin

molly: you know those days where you’re like, this might as well happen? adult life is already so goddamn weird

beau: my wife is a bitch and i like her so much

nott: people lean in to see the baby, and instead they see a gargoyle breathing like chris christie

fjord: [we found a pool of the killer’s blood in the hallway] mm. gross. mop it up

jester: you know, for years, scientists have wondered: can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing tom jones’ it’s not unusual? and the answer is: yes, as long as it is preceded by seven what’s new pussycats

yasha: i’ll keep my emotions right here, and then one day, i’ll die